8 Cool Ways to Tote Your Wine

Built NY's colorful, quirky Fishnet Tote

Whether you're simply looking for a mechanism to get your bottle(s) from one place to the next or gifting the bottle and carrier as a 2-in-1, these totes are sure to showcase your style and love of wine. The wine carrier options below serve multiple purposes from as low as $5 to a splurge at $105. Plus, they're reusable (and carry more than just wine), so pat yourself on the back for spreading the eco-joy this season.

1. The Urban Trendsetter - The kings of neoprene cool always get it right. Built NY's funky designs and durable material definitely won't do you wrong. This time around they've created the Fishnet Wine Tote.* The peek-a-boo design gives people a glimpse of what's to come without giving too much away. Check out the company's other trendy designs as well. Comes in One or Two Bottle. $15-$18

2. The Sleek Sophisticate - Polished and cultured with a bit of edge. The "Sleek Sophisticate" is a true trendsetter. The Skybar Wine Bottle Travelers transports your bottles with a unique insulating material that keeps bottles chilled and prevents drips and condensation. The ergonomic handle adds a splash of Chinese takeout carrier. Comes in grey and red seen on the left. $19.95

"Is that a '99 in your canteen?"

3. The Outdoorsy Type - Klean Kanteen has your rock climbing friends and road biking relatives covered with the Wine Karafe™.* Designed to hold a standard, 750mL bottle of wine, the shatterproof bottle is made from food-grade stainless steel free of BPA (Bisphenol A - an organic compound primarily used to make plastics and recently banned in baby bottles) and other harmful toxins. The perfect ending to your next century ride. Just remember to tell your friends it isn't water in there. Comes in Merlot and Brushed Stainless. Can also be found at REI and other outdoor sporting goods stores. $21- $23

Bubbles protect your bubbly

4. The Frequent Flyer - Got a jetsetter in the family? The Bottle Bubble Wine Traveler will quickly become will quickly become a traveler's best friend. Get around TSA with this protective pouch that safeguards your precious bottles with air bubbles and an adhesive closure to ensure a proper seal. Handles help you continue to port it near and far. You can also find the handle-free version from wineskin (also available on Amazon) $4.50-$5

No giraffes were harmed making this purse

5. The Inner Diva - You know the type. Heck, maybe you are the type. Chic, sassy, style all her own. She loves her "girls nights", wears leopard print trench coats and drinks Chardonnay and Champers by the gallon, unabashedly. She's the perfect recipient of the Wine Purse. The Wine Purse looks like a real purse and comes in fabrics like silk, faux croc skin and quilt and designs like safari, paisley and animal skin. The cylindrical shape allows the bottle to sit horizontally, and a fully lined interior and elastic strap protects the bottle from damage. Put on your red lipstick and grab your "purse" ladies! Re err! Comes with a corkscrew inside. $29.95

6. The I-Shop-at-Whole-Foods-Wearing-lululemon - As sassy as that sounds, I actually love this tote (it just needs a few more pockets ).* The FUZ Winepocket comes in a classic marled grey color (color may vary from photo as materials differ each production) made from the recycled wool felt of factory excess. Lightweight and expandable, the Winepocket lays flat when empty and features a easy-to-grip handle. $25

For him, there is the more masculine, and a tad bit pricier version. For the minimalist who doesn't compromise style, there is the Quiver. The merino felt tote features leather shoulder straps and side belts with a miniature messenger bag appearance. Hold your breath--$105



7. The Flower Child - For the sweet and innocent. The one who loves Reese Witherspoon, always sees the silver lining and emphasizes positive thinking. The cute and simple Cameo Wine Carrier does the trick. Comes in 4 color combinations. $35

Picnic time!

Holds up to 6 bottles!

8. The Practical Party-er - Whether insulated or lightweight, the "Practical Party-er" is concerned with getting as many bottles to his or her destination as possible in a sensible way. These multi-bottle carriers are perfect for picnics, outdoor festivals, BBQs and long car rides--ok, that only happened once. From the Nantucket 4-Bottle Tote with its canvas exterior to the fully insulated 3-bottle Meritage design by Picnic Time (complete with wine glasses, cutting board, corkscrew, bottle topper and more), the totes below will definitely call you out as the savvy, serious wine drinker.

The Nantucket has pockets to hold corkscrews and other necessities

*Tanya's Wish-List

Jewish Brunch for Non-Jewish People

A Bountiful Spread Celebrating Food & Tradition

What do you get when you combine a group of creative, quick-witted, wine drinking girl friends with the prospect of an impromptu holiday party--a delicious feast with a theme, of course! As we sat around our dear friend Faith's living room, we passed around ideas (along with several bottles of Cabernet) of what the brunch would entail..."I'll head to Miller's East Coast Deli for lox and bagels," said Carmen. "I'll make the latkes!" I volunteered. "Hot pastramis on rye!" chimed Camille. "Faith will hand sew yamakas!" came an anonymous shout from the circle.

Laughter ensued, as well as Faith's decline on the arts and crafts project. In the end, we decided to focus our celebration on traditional Jewish foods and forgo any desperate attempts at a traditional Jewish Hanukkah. And thus, "Hanukkah Brunch by the Christmas Tree" was born.

When The Editor and I arrived at Camille and Joe's, our hosts du jour, Camille was diligently manning the oven, Mimosa (not kosher) in hand. Her first batch of hot pastramis on rye were almost ready to be pulled, and I was ready to pounce. The fresh rye bread oozing with Swiss cheese speckled with stone ground mustard was beckoning me. One bite, and I was hooked. The light rye loaf from Arizmendi Bakery combined with the salty, smoky pastrami from Arguello Super Market (known for their outstandingly high quality deli meats and sandwiches), were the perfect base ingredients for these highly addictive sandwiches.

Hot pastrami on rye. You can't stop at one!

Bagels and cream cheese and lox--oh my!

Carmen was next with her stunning display of many-flavored bagels, cream cheeses, lox and a full spread of accompaniments. As I approached the table, I felt as though I had just stepped into a full-on Jewish buffet.

Carmen's edible masterpiece

Not to be outdone, Faith presented her Muhammara (Moo-HAHM-mer-ah) dish. The sweet and spicy Syrian dip is made from dried red peppers*, walnuts, breadcrumbs and olive oil, Muhammara gets its distinct flavor with the addition of pomegranate molasses (can be found at some Whole Foods, middle eastern grocery stores or click here for a recipe to make your own) and Indian spices like cumin. Faith served hers with salted whole wheat pita triangles.

Thick, spicy

*Faith used roasted red peppers in her recipe.


My contribution included: 1) Apple Crisp - Kosher, so far as I can tell; 2) Israeli Couscous Salad - I believe the consensus was kosher, but the more traditional version is made sans the grains (couscous); 3) Cantine Riondo Spago Prosecco (Magnum-style) - Non-kosher. According to Jewish lore, all grape products must be produced by a Jewish person. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this

Latkes...a Jewish food staple

one...was not. 4) Latkes! That's right, those delicious, four ingredient, glorified tator tots were made by hand in my kitchen. Latkes (and other fried treats) are especially important at Hanukkah because they serve as a reminder of the oil that burned during the 8-day celebration of Jerusalem's victory over Syria-Greece. We served two different varieties: Plain and Zucchini-Potato hybrid. Guests loved both equally and topped them with their choice of traditional sour cream or apple sauce. Scrumptious as they are--oy vey!--those pan-fried potato pancakes are quite the laborious snack. Good thing The Editor was on-hand to help peel and grate 2 lbs of Russets. Very kosher!

HE'BREW, The Chosen Beer

Bargain in a bottle

In case you haven't noticed, Jewish brunches are carbo-licious. To wash all of our starchy kosher goodness down, The Editor picked up the most kosher brew on the shelves, HE'BREW, by Schmaltz Brewing Company. We imbibed on the Messiah Bold, according to Schmaltz, "a deep, bold nut brown ale beautifully balanced with rich dark malts and a complex hop character."


And since there was only so much HE'BREW to go around, we also indulged in many a Mimosa and a full Bloody Mary bar. Once again, I pulled through with a magnum of sparkling to keep us...bubbly. This time, I bought the Riondo Spago Nero Prosecco, a gem of a sparkler at a steal price, $12.99 at World Market. If you are looking for a deliciously kosher wine to try this season, pick up a bottle of Yarden. They carry a wide variety of reds and whites (and a Blanc de Blancs!) at a affordable prices produced in the Golan Heights region of Israel.

DIY Bloody Mary Bar

Some might say we have a lot of chutzpah to throw a party like this. But we like to think our Jewish brunch-athon was a classy, delicious affair. With the Christmas tree shining, we toasted to a "celebration of lights" all our own. There were no dreidels, no menorah, but in reality, we probably couldn't "light a candle" next to a proper Hanukkah. So, we stuck to what we know--food--in all its forms. Shalom!

L'chayim!

Holiday Host(ess) Gifts To Lift Their Spirits

Enough already with those tired, ho-hum bottles of wine. Barefoot Bubbles? That was so 2009. Yellowtail? Shame on you! The booze biz has come a long way in giving us plenty of options outside our go-to 750mLs, so you have no excuse not to be creative. Make your host gift stand out this season with gifts that really POP! Read on to find some inventive gift ideas geared toward your party-throwing friends.

1. Large Formats

One of my new favorite host/hostess gifts is large format bottles. On a late summer trip to wine country with the girls, I happened upon a magnum of Gloria Ferrer Sparkling Sonoma Brut for a bargain $38. With my industry discount, the bottle came down to $32, so naturally, I had to have it. I saved it for the perfect occasion--Thanksgiving--and we all got to partake in the festive centerpiece as our aperitif.

Big G just chillin'

Keep in mind, large formats do not have to break the bank, nor do they have to be hot off the bottom shelf. Large formats are most commonly found in magnums (1.5L or 2 regular-size, 750mL, bottles), and I suggest stopping there before you have the party crashing at the hosts' pad. Inquire about large formats at your local wine shop, as they might be hidden. If your state allows shipping, check out K&L Wine Merchant, one of the foremost online wine retailers. They have great steals like the 2007 Château de Montfaucon "Baron Louis" Côtes du Rhône for $30 or the Louis Roederer "Brut Premier" Champagne at $80. For more great, BIG wines under $100, check out this Wall Street Journal article by Lettie Teague.

2. Microbrews
Last Christmas The Editor and I were given two large 750mLs of Brooklyn Brewery beer from our dear friends and Brooklynites, Amanda and Anthony. Not only were the beers mighty delicious, from the aromatic Brooklyn Local 1 Unfiltered Golden Ale to the dark and malty Brooklyn Local 2, but their sharp packaging and champagne-style cork enclosures added a touch of class on our wine rack.

This Golden Ale

 belongs on the cheese table

Another idea is to pick up a sampler pack with some festive, seasonal brews like Pliny the Elder and a classic, Chimay Grand Réserve (blue label--and comes in magnum size!) sure to please, says The Editor. Be sure to include Chocolate Stout from Oregon brewer Rogue or British icon, Young's, who make a Double Chocolate Stout. If you're locally-minded, Anchor Steam and Sierra make a Christmas Ale and Celebration Ale, respectively. And let's not forget about Lambics. The fruity, Belgian ales are sure to please palates with intense fruit flavors and subtle malt and hop characters. My personal favorite, and one of the most popular, is Lindemans, which comes in an assortment of flavors like Framboise* (Raspberry), Pêche (Peach), Cassis (Blackcurrant) and Pomme (Apple).

*Chocolate Covered Raspberry
2 parts Chocolate Stout 
1 part Framboise Lambic (Cherry and Strawberry Lambic may be substituted.)

3. Dessert Wines
Mmm, dessert without all of the calories? Yes, please! Move over cookies and cakes, pies and tarts, it's time to make room on the dessert table for some ice wine and aged tawny. I've tried to deconstruct the category below to help you pick your sweet palate pleaser.

A bevy of Ports on display

• Ice Wine - Canada and upstate New York commonly produce these wines made from grapes that were frozen during harvest. You'll find flavors of caramel, toffee and apricot. Try: Inniskillin
• Tokaji - This sometimes pricey dessert wine is named after the region of Hungary where wines are produced. Characterized by a balance of citrus and honey and typically lower in alcohol than other dessert wines. Try: Royal Tokaji Red Label
• Sauternes - A French classic, made from Semillon grapes, Sauternes is deep golden in color with flavors of apricots, honey and peaches with a tinge of zesty acidity. Try: Carmes de Rieussec
• Muscat -Muscats are produced all over the world and are widely loved for their floral aromas and sweet citrus notes of tangerine and orange blossoms. Muscat derives its name from the Greek "musk", meaning perfume. Try: Quady
• Port - Probably the most well-known of the bunch, Ports are fortified wines produced primarily in Portugal. The two basic styles are Ruby (bottle-aged) and Tawny (barrel-aged). Ruby, better known today as "Vintage" port, is known for strong black-fruit flavors while tawny is softer with nutty notes. Try: Smith Woodhouse or Warre's Otima
• Late Harvest - Late Harvest wines range in grape variety from Viognier to Zinfandel. Grapes are picked late in the season, enough to dehydrate naturally on the vine, and then picked to produce wines with concentrated, preserved fruit flavors true to varietal (from dried apricots in Viognier to boysenberry and plum in Zinfandel). Try: JC Cellars or Dashe Cellars

Don't be let down when your glass is poured half empty. Why? Dessert wines are legally defined as fortified (sugar added) wine with an alcohol content of 15% or higher, so you really only need half of a typical wine glass pour.

4. Homemade Liqueurs and Garnishes

Some of these take a bit of advance prep-work, but you can cheat and buy the store-made version if you're in a pinch.
If your host/hostess or friend has a preferred cocktail, cook up the garnish, liqueur or syrup their drink calls for. For many of my guy friends, that drink is the Manhattan, a bourbon classic. This year I decided to get cookin' and get crafty by making my very own Brandied Cherries. Bay Area native, Miri Leigh, gave me the inspiration with this recipe. This year I'll be giving away a miniature bottle of bourbon with a jar of my homemade goods. Add a personal touch with handcrafted  labels and lids using recycled paper, ribbon and fabric from your local craft store.

Think seasonal. You can substitute frozen fruits for some recipes, but nothing beats the real thing. Right now, pomegranates and oranges are in full swing, so consider making a homemade syrup or Orangecello for citrus lovers. Next season I'll be making my first Limoncello batch with handpicked lemons from our backyard in Russian Hill.

Sonoma County's delicious artisan syrups

Syrups - Add a bit of zing to vodka, gin and whiskey drinks with easy-to-make simple syrups in exotic flavors like Pomegranate, Ginger and Cucumber. Purchase infused syrups and artisan bar mixers from one of my local favorites, Sonoma Syrup Co.

Most of the above can be purchased at your specialty liquor store, so don't feel the pressure to spend hours toiling over the stove with a pair of tongs. Jazz up your presentation with a sweet holiday gift bag.

5. Food & Wine Games
Board games are a great catalyst to break the ice or simply liven up the crowd. Most of these games are designed for as little as two players up to 6 or more (For extra mingling, play teams where people have to partner up with a stranger.). Play with a glass in your hand and one of these games are sure to be a hit. Hosts are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness and creativity.

It's War! Wine Wars on display

Choose your token in Wine-opoly

Whether you're a newbie or, ahem, seasoned wine drinker, Wine Wars ($19.95) will challenge and entertain you as your knowledge is tested in topics such as winemaking, business, culture, geography and tasting. From the makers of Wine Wars also comes Foodie Fight, the game where players get the chance to boast their culinary prowess. And as Mario Batali once commented, the game where "The losers get to wash the dishes!" If Trivia is your game, try the Smarts series--a slew of Question and Answer games that test your wits about the topics of food, wine, beer and more. Wine Smarts, Beer Smarts, Cocktail Smarts, Gourmet Smarts and Food Smarts. Finally, Wine-opoly lets you buy, collect and trade wine, grapes and decanters using tokens like cheese, chalice, corks and carafes. Just beware of those import taxes ; )

Let's face it, hosts will love whatever you bring to help make the party more festive and keep guests merry. Stick to your budget, wrap it with a bow and arrive with a smile. Just don't be afraid to think outside the (gift) box.

Still Feasting--Crab Season in SF!

Despite a most wonderful (and needless to say, filling) Thanksgiving meal this past Thursday, my stomach couldn't stop thinking about this great time of year in the Bay Area, Dungeness crab season. Dungeness are an icon of the Golden Gate fishing industry and a seriously anticipated catch amongst Northern Californian restaurants, diners and dinner tables. The season kicked off on November 15, with great news to boot. This year's crop is said to be one of the most robust in the past decade, meaning more crab at lower prices than we've seen in while. Music to my ears...

Starting our crab hunt in the heart of Chinatown

While many Bay Area folks will serve crab instead of turkey on Thanksgiving, we decided to treat ourselves to both this holiday weekend. On Saturday, we trekked to Chinatown via North Beach in search of our first Dungeness crabs of the season.Chinatown is known for its fish markets with competitive prices. A word to the squeamish, the markets can be sensory overload, with sights and smells reminiscent of being on the docks themselves.


We usually keep our market shopping to the bustling street of Stockton. Be prepared to be shoved and elbowed and maybe even have the crab you were eyeing up snatched up by the small old Asian woman next to you. Words of advice: Be decisive and be quick. When selecting your crab, we've found the most lively and fiery to be the most delicious. The most active crabs in the tanks typically have the sweetest and heartiest meat. Trust me on this one.


The predictions weren't wrong. The markets were overflowing with Dungeness with prices ranging from $1.99 - $2.99/lb! After trips to two of our go-to fish stores, we selected our succulent soon-to-be dinners and paid up: $10 for two 2-pounders!

Chris checking out the crabs in saltwater tanks

Dungeness spilling out of their tanks!

Chris prepping the table for the feast

Steaming of the crabs

Ingredients for the corn dish

Saute!

Two "can't forget" ingredients: melted butter and Old Bay Seasoning

Prepping for our crab feast is half the fun of eating. The anticipation, the split duties in the kitchen and the plain old tradition. One of the staples of a great crab feast on the east coast is corn, preferably on the cob. Since summertime is long over, we prepare a side dish from the canned kind that's just as delicious (almost). It's fast, simple and provides an excellent compliment to our scrumptious shellfish. The recipe I'm making above is adapted from one I found years ago on Cooking Light. I omit the basil and tomatoes in the winter.

Kissing crabs

Dungeness crab is certainly a "can't miss" if you're a Bay Area dweller or visiting during the season. Be sure you have the following to ensure a safe, satisfying and utterly gratuitous meal!

• Large steaming pot
• Butter
• Old Bay seasoning
• Crab cracker and pick tools
• Nice bottle of Chardonnay*
• Napkins
• Paper bags or other disposable covering for your table--it's a messy meal!

*We chose a 2007 Simi Russian River Valley Chardonnay for its rich fruit, savory oak and butter flavors and crisp acidity on the finish. Perfect for crab!

Of course, you can always skip the mess and work and head down to the Wharf for a pre-cleaned, cooked and cracked crab. Or head to almost any restaurant in the city where you'll see some type of crab--from Benedict to Louis--on every menu. It sure takes the fun out of your own Chinatown fish market adventure, but with prices like these, I say get 'em any way you can ; )

Bon appétit--Dinner is served!

Best Health Food Advice Ever: "Stop Eating Sh*t!"

Lately I've been a wee bit obsessed with Jennifer Aniston. Everything about her--stylish clothes, shiny hair, seemingly ageless skin, a slew of hunky ex-boyfriends--makes me envious, but most of all, a body at 41 that most 21 year-olds strive for. In a decision to learn more about my celebrity crush, I researched her workout routine: Yoga--Check. Running--Check. Pilates--Check, check. I'm doing everything right, right? I asked myself, whilst biting into a chocolate Twizzler. Wrong. Then, I asked myself a most imperative question: WWJAE--What would Jennifer Aniston eat? Again I researched. And I found my answer in the UK's Harper's Bazaar: "Just stop eating sh*t every day."

Oh Jen, you're a hoot! Now step away from the Twizzlers, I beckoned (then I made a firm decision to stop talking to myself).

Seriously though, Jen's right (and not just because she's my lady-love): When exactly did we start making ourselves believe that it's "ok" to eat junk food...everyday? Remember those chocolate Twizzlers? My parents post-mailed me two packages for my birthday in mid-March. I'm embarrassed to say how many are left...of the second package.

That's not to say that we shouldn't have our vices. Vices that straddle the line of good and evil that we allow ourselves--in reasonable doses--daily. The three things Jen will never give up? (and why I love her even more): Dairy, coffee and wine.

We really are meant to be. Ever since discovering FAGE (pronounced "fa-yeh") yogurt, I really don't think life has been the same, so giving up dairy is out of the question. Coffee, this is a fairly new discovery (addiction) for me since beginning my current job 8 months ago. A devoted tea drinker, things changed when the 11-hour days kicked in (sometimes 15 when we're on the road), and coffee became a necessary evil. But, what's good enough for Jennifer Aniston, is definitely good enough for me. As for wine, I think by now it's running through my veins. Wine is literally my lifeblood--my work, my play, my hobby, my passion. Not even Jen could tear us apart.

See, she is human! I do think Jen is onto something. Tonight I let my Twizzlers live another day. I'm sure they're lonely, tucked away in a top drawer in the kitchen...wedged between the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and coconut pocky sticks (doesn't everyone have a chocolate drawer?), but I'm also sure my body is breathing a sigh of relief. Jen's right, I don't need to eat sh*t everyday. And if there's ever a time to heed the advice of my elders, I think now is that time.

Food Porn: Foods that Make You Go Ooh, Aah, Mmm

Disclaimer: After reading, some of you may never drink a lychee martini, peel an English cucumber or pour gravy over your mashed potatoes (don't ask, it's a British thing) again. As for the rest of you, let's just say you might find yourself asked to leave the produce aisle for excessive loitering. Just sayin'...

If life imitates art, food sometimes emulates sex. It stares us in the face as we open the pickle jar taunting, "I dare you to savor me slowly without laughing." It wiggles, jiggles and resembles body parts in ways that are just...curiously too close to the real thing (thanks to my former Prevention editor, Denise, I discovered that, ahuacatl, the Aztec name for avocados, has the literal translation "tesicle tree" for the way the fruit dangles (insert childish giggle) from the tree. Food sets rules and boundaries like not being allowed to peel a banana in front of co-workers or eat a Tootsie pop in front of men after the age of 15. Yeah, it was cute when I licked candy canes at age 5, but sitting next to my dad and sucking on a striped stick just seems wrong nowadays. On the other hand, food can also be a tool for seduction. I've been at numerous sporting events where I've choked down mystery meat between a bun just to turn my date on. To spice things up in the bedroom, I've even blurted the word "kelbasi" during foreplay a few times (uh, it's a Pennsylvania thing). And guys, is there anything better than watching a chic eat a popsicle in the summertime? Or anytime for that matter?

No matter what the fruit, vegetable, meat or other edible is, food itself has phallic connotations no matter how you slice it (wah-waah). We use food as terms of endearment, sugarlump, cupcake, sweety pie, muffin and peanut. Body parts correspond to similar-looking or seeming foods: I couldn't help but think of my most feminine bits as I drank my lychee martini this weekend (sorry!), and my friend Ryan makes his girlfriend purchase English cucumbers because it's just too emasculating to feel up a vegetable for proper ripeness. I looked around the kitchen, thought about what I had cooked, baked, sauteed and eaten in the past week, and got to thinking. Things get downright sexy in the kitchen without us even knowing.

Action words: Kneaded dough, Massaged meat, Toasted buns, Spread butter, Slathered jam, Peeled skin, Squeezed lemons, Beat eggs and my personal favorite--Whipped cream

Food Desriptors: Tender, Soft, Round, Long, Hard, Rubbery, Thick, Gooey, Bulbous, Succulent, Slimy, Supple, Salty, Juicy, Spicy, Creamy, Raw

Foods that are Overtly Phallic by Name Alone: Nuts, Berries, Sausage, Melons, Rubs, Breasts, Meatballs, Kumquats and UCSC's official mascot, the Banana slug (ok, ok, maybe not a food, per se, but definitely some sort of delicacy with a striking resemblance to what one anonymous friend said looked more like a penis than most penises she had seen. I'm working on setting her up with a real man...)

The Sexiest Drink Alive

And then, there are the not-so-obvious...I discovered her at Nopa. Her name: White Manhattan. She was stunning. Her vessel was slender and petite. The sheen of condensation on the glass glistened like that of post-coital sweat, and it took everything I had not to run the tip of my tongue along the slope to check for salt. Her nose was floral and perfumed, subtle and not a bit overwhelming. She was everything I love about a Bourbon, in female form. Whiskies want her; Wine coolers want to be her. You see, she didn't scream sex. No, but she had a healthy self-awareness about her that commanded my respect. Each sip flowed down my throat with a gentle sting like a light, sexy slap-on-the-ass. And like Jessica Simpson to John Mayer, I think I've found my sexual napalm--in a glass.

So you see, food--and drinks alike--satisfy in more ways than simply satiating our appetite. They quench our thirst for other bodily needs as well and link us to sexuality in ways that can be downright bizarre. And really folks, why pay for porn when you've got plenty in your refrigerator... ; )