Food Porn: Foods that Make You Go Ooh, Aah, Mmm

Disclaimer: After reading, some of you may never drink a lychee martini, peel an English cucumber or pour gravy over your mashed potatoes (don't ask, it's a British thing) again. As for the rest of you, let's just say you might find yourself asked to leave the produce aisle for excessive loitering. Just sayin'...

If life imitates art, food sometimes emulates sex. It stares us in the face as we open the pickle jar taunting, "I dare you to savor me slowly without laughing." It wiggles, jiggles and resembles body parts in ways that are just...curiously too close to the real thing (thanks to my former Prevention editor, Denise, I discovered that, ahuacatl, the Aztec name for avocados, has the literal translation "tesicle tree" for the way the fruit dangles (insert childish giggle) from the tree. Food sets rules and boundaries like not being allowed to peel a banana in front of co-workers or eat a Tootsie pop in front of men after the age of 15. Yeah, it was cute when I licked candy canes at age 5, but sitting next to my dad and sucking on a striped stick just seems wrong nowadays. On the other hand, food can also be a tool for seduction. I've been at numerous sporting events where I've choked down mystery meat between a bun just to turn my date on. To spice things up in the bedroom, I've even blurted the word "kelbasi" during foreplay a few times (uh, it's a Pennsylvania thing). And guys, is there anything better than watching a chic eat a popsicle in the summertime? Or anytime for that matter?

No matter what the fruit, vegetable, meat or other edible is, food itself has phallic connotations no matter how you slice it (wah-waah). We use food as terms of endearment, sugarlump, cupcake, sweety pie, muffin and peanut. Body parts correspond to similar-looking or seeming foods: I couldn't help but think of my most feminine bits as I drank my lychee martini this weekend (sorry!), and my friend Ryan makes his girlfriend purchase English cucumbers because it's just too emasculating to feel up a vegetable for proper ripeness. I looked around the kitchen, thought about what I had cooked, baked, sauteed and eaten in the past week, and got to thinking. Things get downright sexy in the kitchen without us even knowing.

Action words: Kneaded dough, Massaged meat, Toasted buns, Spread butter, Slathered jam, Peeled skin, Squeezed lemons, Beat eggs and my personal favorite--Whipped cream

Food Desriptors: Tender, Soft, Round, Long, Hard, Rubbery, Thick, Gooey, Bulbous, Succulent, Slimy, Supple, Salty, Juicy, Spicy, Creamy, Raw

Foods that are Overtly Phallic by Name Alone: Nuts, Berries, Sausage, Melons, Rubs, Breasts, Meatballs, Kumquats and UCSC's official mascot, the Banana slug (ok, ok, maybe not a food, per se, but definitely some sort of delicacy with a striking resemblance to what one anonymous friend said looked more like a penis than most penises she had seen. I'm working on setting her up with a real man...)

The Sexiest Drink Alive

And then, there are the not-so-obvious...I discovered her at Nopa. Her name: White Manhattan. She was stunning. Her vessel was slender and petite. The sheen of condensation on the glass glistened like that of post-coital sweat, and it took everything I had not to run the tip of my tongue along the slope to check for salt. Her nose was floral and perfumed, subtle and not a bit overwhelming. She was everything I love about a Bourbon, in female form. Whiskies want her; Wine coolers want to be her. You see, she didn't scream sex. No, but she had a healthy self-awareness about her that commanded my respect. Each sip flowed down my throat with a gentle sting like a light, sexy slap-on-the-ass. And like Jessica Simpson to John Mayer, I think I've found my sexual napalm--in a glass.

So you see, food--and drinks alike--satisfy in more ways than simply satiating our appetite. They quench our thirst for other bodily needs as well and link us to sexuality in ways that can be downright bizarre. And really folks, why pay for porn when you've got plenty in your refrigerator... ; )